Jenn Millions | CEO, President + Founder of AiiO

Over the years, AiiO has undergone dramatic changes both geometrically and apolitically. I would like to address many of your concerns — as I have heard them through the grapevine — and try to put to rest this nearly dead dog that we keep hearing, yelping in the backs of our little minds.

AiiO started 4 years ago with a vision and a hefty round of VC funding. We wanted to provide extremely vague services to a large population of people 'out there' on the web. And we wanted to be the first to the market — thereby revolutionizing the entire realm of vague services out there. And — after months of arduous meetings on the executive level — we were able to define a corporate mission and come up with the content for several very prestigious-sounding bios. These were our start-up years — and the promise of the eRevolution was giving the general public [ just begging for these sorts of empty and vague services delivered through an online, innovative technology platform ] what I would consider to be eBlueballs.

After our first year and a half, I recall sitting down with Randy and Dave at a business luncheon that was costing us roughly $4,000. Randy turned to me and said, 'We're almost there Jenn, we're almost there.' And I nodded in eager anticipation of my agreement with his surly statement concerning our just desserts.

Anyhow, after gaining some momentum with our growing client base and establishing a nearly-credible foothold in the PR munching machines, AiiO finally broke out with release 1.0 of it's online product offering. The public went wild. Periodicals up the ying and the yang were publishing articles about our amazing dedication to online, automated customer service. And the business model itself was gaining popularity with other online companies soon to follow in our eFootsteps. We began to purchase several other companies in our marketspace and expanded to create a nationwide network of virtual company branches — all dedicated to our mission to provide vague online services to those in need.

Although our salesforce promised functionality and service offerings not yet developed, let alone agreed upon to be developed, by our engineering team — we were getting closer and closer to making the venture capitalists happy. I personally sent them bottles of expensive wine and promised that once we began to break some profits — we were all going to hit Six Flags! They just about came.

Next up, in years 2 and 3, AiiO broke record sales and online sign-up records on an international scale. People and their pets would sign up with a vervish click and clack of the keyboard — right-clicking and sometimes using the Apple key to download our applets and gain the results they wanted — right online. It was such an easy process. Our positive image surged and protected up and onward into a sort of nill nitherbliss of eCommercial success.

Our competitors couldn't believe it — but our model to drive down the cost of offering online vague services by using automated internet technologies not yet fully-established and recognized by the W3C was working well — and much to their dismay and demise. Initech was near bankruptcy. Brownday dot net was close to capsizing as well. We were victorious in almost every regard.

AiiO then hit a rough patch in year 4 when we discovered that all of our VC funds were just about dried up. Even though we were outsourcing most of the company's automated services overseas, we were suddenly not meeting up with the expectations of our very hungry and tired VCists. Another year, another round of VC campaigns and in year 5 — you see where AiiO currently stands. 2 feet in the ground. Arms lobbed off. Nearly headless.

Well, my grandfather used to have an old saying regarding the optimistic 'glass' we all know and love in situations like these. He would sit me down on the sunporch, give me a handful of almonds and kindly look down to me and say, 'Jenn, just remember to stay happy. The glass isn't half full, it's not half empty, but there's a big crack running all the way up the side.' I would usually look up in complete befuddlement at this point and he would come back with a smile and say, 'Let's go get an ice cream little one, a nice cone of vanilla would do us good. It's mighty hot out. Let's go.' And with that, we were off to the Dean Dairy for a softserve dip. So good.

AiiO Today

We are almost there ladies and gentlemen. We are just about to turn the corner. I know many of you are reading this and thinking, bnllsh!t!, but you have to face facts and realize that it's true. We really, have no choice. I know times have been tough and money has been tight and you have all faced reductions in pay with an equally proportionate increase in hours. But it will all be worth it someday. We are pursuing more venture capitalist funding as we speak. Dave and Andy are out there hitting the streets, looking for every dime in the cracks of the pavement as we say in the vague online services industry. We do expect that you will put in the extra effort. Nobody's balls can be dropped at this point. This is a tricky scenario that I personally have never seen before, but it will all be worth it. We're turning a corner, and we're wearing fancier clothes now. There's a certain level of professional disdain that accompanies the continual fear of homelessness — and we can all sense this now. And we could sense it before, but just not quite as badly. I think we can all taste it now. So, please realize that we need to come together on this cow today and moving forward. The vast differentiation between our company and other vague online service operations is that we have a phenomenal team. A team that should know better. We know you will put in all sorts of zany hours, send emails at 2 or 3 in the morning to prove that you are working 'around the clock' as we used to say. Some of you actually produce important things for our company that help keep the hinges squeaky and clean. We're beginning to diversify by hiring more minority temps — thereby fulfilling more state employment requirements than we have ever attempted in the past. We all need to jump in, like some sort of unrealistic Tball scramble for the ball, and make this work. Let's do it AiiO. Let's make this company work again! Let's make America work again!

Jenn Millions | CEO, President and Founder of AiiO